- Those articles that say married couples have sex every month are just sensationalistic lies perpetrated on the public to sell magazines. It’s hooey I tell you, hooey.
- I’ll be going. Don’t bother to get the elevator, I’ll just jump out the window.
- What was I thinking when I said “I do”? I’d already had sex with her; I didn’t need that again.
- Ah, home sweet hell.
- Peg, kids, get ready to torture me – I’m home.
- I work in a shoe store, I make less than minimum wage, and yet I’m not happy to be home.
- [the Bundy Creedo] Hooters, hooters, yum yum yum. Hooters hooters on a girl that’s dumb.
- Peg: Did you miss me?
Al: With every bullet, so far.
- Bud, if you need money, you should do what a wise man once said, “Yip-ip-ip-ip-ip, mu-mu-mu-mu-mu-mu-mu- Get a job!”
- Now wait a second Peg, the kids are here. If you want to have sex, they’ll have to leave. And if you want it to be good, you’ll have to leave.
- Gee I wish I could figure out what happened to my tools and my copper wiring and my tile and my life and my manhood.
- I’ve seen her from the front, I’ve seen her from the back. / I’ve seen her in a chair, I’ve seen her in a sack. / I’ve seen her stand, I’ve seen her crouch. / I’ve seen her on her stupid couch. / I do not like her in the mall, I do not like her in the hall. / I do not like her in my life, I do not like my big red wife.
- [In Al's fantasy]
Minister: Do you, Al Bundy, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Al: Do I look that stupid to you?
- Now, son, you’ve got two choices: you can get out, or, you can get the hell out.
Deocamdata atat.. voi reveni cu alte ‘cugetari’ ale marelui clasic Al Bundy 
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